1. The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
2. I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
3. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
4. Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
5. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
7. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
8. I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.
9. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
10. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
11. I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
12. I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
13. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
14. I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
15. I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like his passengers.
16. God must love stupid people, he made so many.
17. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
18. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
19. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
20. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
21. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
22. Very funny, Scotty. Now beam up my clothes.
23. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
24. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
25. I must be a proctologist because I work With assholes.
26. Welcome to Shit Creek - Sorry, we're out of paddles.
27. Jesus loves you. Everybody else thinks you're an asshole.